Thanks Anyway, but My Hands Are Fine the Way They Are

Madonna's back in the news these days. Shocking, I know. But this time, it's not because her new movie "W.E." is coming out (it is) or because she's dating some gorgeous 24-year-old French dancer (she is). This time, it's because, despite looking better than any of us can ever hope to at 53, people are obsessed with her hands.

That's right, the woman has sold more records than there are grains of sand, and she's stayed relevant for three decades and is busy raising four children. But none of that matters because some folks are fixated on her hands.

According to the tongues that wag about these sorts of things, Madonna's hands belie her age and she needs to do something about them straight away!

OK, sure, if you look at photos of her hands, they are vein-y and aren't exactly youthful in appearance. But let's think about this for a moment. The woman works out like a fiend -- lifts weights, runs, and vrschikasanas 24/7. She trains and dances hard when she's on tour. And, guess what? She's 53 years old! Her hands aren't supposed to look like those of a nubile 9-year-old.

Because that sort of rationale doesn't hold much weight with those who dictate that we should look as young as possible 'till the coffin lid closes, some cosmetic brain trusts have come up with quick fix "solutions" for Madonna and other women who are cursed to have Benedict Arnold hands that blow the cover on their true age.

Want the hands of a 20-something? No problem! Just shoot them full of a filler like Radiesse that will "re-plump and replenish volume to the back of the hands to provide a supple and youthful appearance instantly." Yep. That'll do the trick.

Or, you could take a less drastic measure and inject Sculptra instead. "Sculptra's action delivers results over time by inducing your own collagen regeneration." Un-huh. Never mind that both procedures will be painful (Needles in the backs of my hands? No thanks!), and expensive (each of these treatments is typically $600 and up).

Listen, I'm all for looking your best and staying young and spry and healthy and all that. But this is where I'll take the check, draw the line, hop off the bus, you get the drift. Our hands have done -- and do -- a lot for us. Hands that show their age should be revered. They reveal that we've cooked for our families, that we've gardened for our sanity, that we've typed for our paychecks -- that we've lived. And, I, for one, will proudly keep mine just the way they are.

I hope Madonna feels the same way.